you

now that ive seen you in the lights of the city,

i take a step back, 

stop, don't go any deeper.

"its too late, im here to drown."

darker games

that big beating organ is safe in my hands. i am in no rush but you look gorgeous in the day time. even though the evenings bring out your lips, your hands. the warmth from your skin makes me feel whole enough without needing cliche words of reassurance. i know you know i know.

your not stupid

what matters to me is you will never magnify hard enough to really see how much i feel and relate, i can fucking feel.

nameless poems

I.

hot stained cigarette breath lingering, panting, over off -white french sheets
soiled, shining

the walls ears are bleeding, deep black and burgundies, loyal cockerspaniel blooded, deep collared
small painted toes
pink ribbons...

II.
Hell is when the music stops, or when the swelling cuts deep oxygen from my lungs ,
crystalling arteries
when the right chord strikes my lips

III.
cupids poisoned arrows, dripping honey and turpentine

IV.
Death in finite
the people, the relationships are temporary
your skinned mother, your reptilian, touched..
brushed my nose, spined
morningstarred haunches, swells, chokes, gags..
almost curdles the spoils

love is...

a hideous display of wings and claw, rotted down to its haunches;
 the hot spit of cerebus,
 wagging tail of a dog-god
decomposed prose, a crown of thorn and wire
you are the disease, spread through blood and bone

spring

i am a fledgling among thorns .

i cant even remember the original dose.  but i know I'm your placebo for her stronger medicine

unavoidable

its a shame that the scar healed before you could rip the rest of me apart
your leaving is draining, draining, that bud of inspiration, you cut it at the root so it can no longer breathe,
it looks at me
and gasps for breath
i lay my hands on it and bury its body beneath the soil

†††

"His soul had arisen from the grave of boyhood, spurning her grave-clothes. Yes! Yes! Yes! He would create proudly out of the freedom and power of his soul, as the great artificer whose name he bore, a living thing, new and soaring and beautiful, impalpable, imperishable.."


                                                                                  "A portrait of the artist as a young man" by James Joyce 




i understand nothing and everything that comes from your lips. im not going to lie, theres alot about you that makes me feel almost...

void of you

when I fell asleep my head busy with warm catatonic thoughts
 i am dreaming of a man with strong hands and dusty hair.
 this morning the cold pours through my window like a virus that infects me to shake and shiver.
i am not looking forward to you inevitably destroying me

do you know how far you are about to get dragged under?

i remember the sheets sticking to my body, a humid cocoon, I lost your taste to chemicals. i lost your hands all over me. kisses rusted over into  bloody buds on my lips

lol

the mirror poses a question, " Do i feel guilty for this?"
my mouth moves mechanically, " Not a single fucking bit"

are we there yet

sightless passenger asks, " where are we going?  I sense that you are afraid, i hear your lips trembling, their soft vibrations tease my ears but your throat dosent threaten to form any sound"
the driver speaks; " I am afraid, I've lost all direction, I have been driving aimlessly for hours. I have failed your requests"
the passenger in turn reaches for the driver's trembling hand, never be afraid of misleading me, your hands mean well, they are sure hands, let your heart speak do not muffle its longing with uncertainty"
you search for a calming answer, this is an ancient feeling
the passenger turns face,
" If I ever lose you, all I have to do is simply listen for your heartbeat"

poems 01

01

the hospital and its familiar sounds

electric moans , disembodied humming 

a white throne of sterilized sheets, a dribbling head turns to the linoleum ceiling, analyzing the imperfections, medication lazily flowing,ebbing along the intricate network of plastic veins 

a bleached hell, incubating delicate bodies, 

birthing corpses to centerpiece nauseating bouquets 

to satisfy suffering, or provoke abandon 

an explanation 

when i was young and tasted anticipation, it was like a honey stuck to my throat

sordid realization and a quick change of clothes,

the summer of 1999 was the closest I have ever come to hell

at it’s doorstep, bloodied up lips filthy hands rubbed deep into my cotton dress

we mimicked each other like children, wandering around the wreckage of trees and skeletal structures 

each afternoon his hand wandered a little closer to the honey, and it was boiling

hot painted cheeks, burning tears, summer skin

the devil was wearing a warm smile, his hands were similar to those of my father’s,

my fate forgets his face in the shadow of the sun that muffled my horror 

gods

the call never came, the numbers were scratched off the face and the cord was cut 

I remember the question clearly, “ Are you good with god”

faith has always been my black hole, I listen in on the tapped wires gratified by your rejection of christian guilt and rehearsed atheism, clarified by dissociative braying resembling prayer. 

for hours I listened, the wires were open to the air, allowing any kind of divine interjection to redeem my interest, not a single miracle even dared to breach the surface and show face 

dial tones like  a monotone disembodied answering service, there is comfort in prayer? there is comfort in a fulfilled prescription 

05

a slow clot, 

you called to her, but she was already up to her neck

these side effects, they arent working, i thought this was some kind of promise 

rejection is a liar’s aphrodiasic 

06

you were soft and tired 

they are gnawing gnawing gnawing, contained chaos, exhuberent black shells, beetle nails

you become stark and ancient

bare your teeth to the gods

i cannot hold my head above the water when you gnaw through

the head turns, the clock sporadic with the truth

van goghs ear, hears the earth’s claws coiling, boiling 

an old grin, dusted from the bowels of our closets

housing skeletons, bleached sheets 

07

she was wearing a pink dress, blood flowers, the shadows of the branches on her brow

“ i heard them tearing”, the wolves

they sing in an old tongue 

i cant hear them in your bed, 

your walls are to busy talking,

behind eyelids, not quite soiled with dreams yet

they hollow out lullabies with their rotted claws 

‘wake up, look behind you”

vividly..

i could have sworn i was up all night jotting down everything that was going through my head when you...
everything that was moving around and situating itself in me 
were the pages torn out by your hands or mine
his or hers, running out of ink but the thought of bloodletting is so perversely awakening to finish the story, 
the only way out that i know without a fucking happy ending 

come midnight

and he crawled, crawled hot and hard, she rocked her hips and showed the whites of her eyes, he crawled right up under her skin and his stare grabbed her by the throat and broke her breath down into sighs 

stop shaking, he promised, I will wind wildflowers into your hair and the gold spun valley will be our wedding bed.

 

your eyes could tear open a summer sky, the heavens would come falling into your arms.

you are my narcotic, i fell to my knees at the sound of your voice. we were never meant to find each other, but if you leave now, i will wander lost forever.

take note

When I'm in his bed, you don't even exist.

take this world away from me.
you've tied up my hands so I cant feel my way out of this

i'll wait

how much longer are you going to run from this?
i bet your feet are getting tired

say it.
my name, let it swell on your lips and roll down your throat
say it.

part 2

feel me in the morning, 
i am still real
my dreams poured out on your pillowcase
underneath all that flesh is a caged heart, pale and beautiful,
dissociative, but calm, waiting for you to ask me something, anything, my fingers shake
tap tap tap tap taptap the keys taptap
i want to drown in you

oh yes

                                                        goddam boy, you put a spell on me.
              

4 am

take me home

if you cant stop shaking,

 ill take twice as much as you did. 

if you cant stop drowning, 

i'll swallow the whole sea

the circulatory system's down.

try breathing now.

joy

" After all this time"
"Always"


fate wears a twisted grin.

waiting

i let my mind wander and it runs to you

strong hands, a steady heartbeat is all i need to keep me sane until summer, then you can pretend that you dont exsist to me, i just need your warmth to pretend that its summer until the cold crawls away back into the ground and releases the warm toxins and perfume of summer breezes 

i just need to pretend until summer

i let my mind wander and it runs to you. 

oh hello

you haunt me in every way.
i wonder what your sign is.
then again, knowing will probably break my heart.

staying alive

the streets are all so symmetrical here
its back to school
your offering trees rotting in the gutters
the streets are perfectly symmetrical here
prescriptions need to be refilled

this new decade

today is a palindrome

i had a dream about the car crash i was in last night
in my head i romanticize the noisy matrimony of glittering glass and incandescent smoke.

for you, 

a black top abstract piece to emulate the meeting between your revelation and the consequence of your addiction

sirens and bone, drunken steel and an immortal radio.

I've got a an unhealthy crush on the ambulance that carries you home

when i saw you again after months of absence
my heart couldnt have started beating any faster when you caught my attention