Cigarettes and Honey

you

2010-04-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

now that ive seen you in the lights of the city,

i take a step back,

stop, don't go any deeper.

"its too late, im here to drown."

darker games

2010-04-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

that big beating organ is safe in my hands. i am in no rush but you look gorgeous in the day time. even though the evenings bring out your lips, your hands. the warmth from your skin makes me feel whole enough without needing cliche words of reassurance. i know you know i know.

your not stupid

2010-04-14T01:47:00.000-07:00

what matters to me is you will never magnify hard enough to really see how much i feel and relate, i can fucking feel.

nameless poems

2010-03-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

I.

hot stained cigarette breath lingering, panting, over off -white french sheets
soiled, shining

the walls ears are bleeding, deep black and burgundies, loyal cockerspaniel blooded, deep collared
small painted toes
pink ribbons...

II.
Hell is when the music stops, or when the swelling cuts deep oxygen from my lungs ,
crystalling arteries
when the right chord strikes my lips

III.
cupids poisoned arrows, dripping honey and turpentine

IV.
Death in finite
the people, the relationships are temporary
your skinned mother, your reptilian, touched..
brushed my nose, spined
morningstarred haunches, swells, chokes, gags..
almost curdles the spoils

love is...

2010-03-17T03:01:00.000-07:00

a hideous display of wings and claw, rotted down to its haunches;
the hot spit of cerebus,
wagging tail of a dog-god
decomposed prose, a crown of thorn and wire
you are the disease, spread through blood and bone

spring

2010-03-15T14:39:00.001-07:00

i am a fledgling among thorns .

i cant even remember the original dose. but i know I'm your placebo for her stronger medicine

unavoidable

2010-03-04T21:57:00.000-08:00

its a shame that the scar healed before you could rip the rest of me apart
your leaving is draining, draining, that bud of inspiration, you cut it at the root so it can no longer breathe,
it looks at me
and gasps for breath
i lay my hands on it and bury its body beneath the soil

†††

2010-02-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

"His soul had arisen from the grave of boyhood, spurning her grave-clothes. Yes! Yes! Yes! He would create proudly out of the freedom and power of his soul, as the great artificer whose name he bore, a living thing, new and soaring and beautiful, impalpable, imperishable.."

"A portrait of the artist as a young man" by James Joyce

i understand nothing and everything that comes from your lips. im not going to lie, theres alot about you that makes me feel almost...

void of you

2010-02-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

when I fell asleep my head busy with warm catatonic thoughts
i am dreaming of a man with strong hands and dusty hair.
this morning the cold pours through my window like a virus that infects me to shake and shiver.
i am not looking forward to you inevitably destroying me

do you know how far you are about to get dragged under?

i remember the sheets sticking to my body, a humid cocoon, I lost your taste to chemicals. i lost your hands all over me. kisses rusted over into bloody buds on my lips

lol

2010-02-08T20:50:00.001-08:00

the mirror poses a question, " Do i feel guilty for this?"
my mouth moves mechanically, " Not a single fucking bit"

are we there yet

2010-02-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

sightless passenger asks, " where are we going? I sense that you are afraid, i hear your lips trembling, their soft vibrations tease my ears but your throat dosent threaten to form any sound"
the driver speaks; " I am afraid, I've lost all direction, I have been driving aimlessly for hours. I have failed your requests"
the passenger in turn reaches for the driver's trembling hand, never be afraid of misleading me, your hands mean well, they are sure hands, let your heart speak do not muffle its longing with uncertainty"
you search for a calming answer, this is an ancient feeling
the passenger turns face,
" If I ever lose you, all I have to do is simply listen for your heartbeat"

poems 01

2010-02-05T22:51:00.000-08:00

the hospital and its familiar sounds

electric moans , disembodied humming

a white throne of sterilized sheets, a dribbling head turns to the linoleum ceiling, analyzing the imperfections, medication lazily flowing,ebbing along the intricate network of plastic veins

a bleached hell, incubating delicate bodies,

birthing corpses to centerpiece nauseating bouquets

to satisfy suffering, or provoke abandon

an explanation

when i was young and tasted anticipation, it was like a honey stuck to my throat

sordid realization and a quick change of clothes,

the summer of 1999 was the closest I have ever come to hell

at it’s doorstep, bloodied up lips filthy hands rubbed deep into my cotton dress

we mimicked each other like children, wandering around the wreckage of trees and skeletal structures

each afternoon his hand wandered a little closer to the honey, and it was boiling

hot painted cheeks, burning tears, summer skin

the devil was wearing a warm smile, his hands were similar to those of my father’s,

my fate forgets his face in the shadow of the sun that muffled my horror

gods

the call never came, the numbers were scratched off the face and the cord was cut

I remember the question clearly, “ Are you good with god”

faith has always been my black hole, I listen in on the tapped wires gratified by your rejection of christian guilt and rehearsed atheism, clarified by dissociative braying resembling prayer.

for hours I listened, the wires were open to the air, allowing any kind of divine interjection to redeem my interest, not a single miracle even dared to breach the surface and show face

dial tones like a monotone disembodied answering service, there is comfort in prayer? there is comfort in a fulfilled prescription

a slow clot,

you called to her, but she was already up to her neck

these side effects, they arent working, i thought this was some kind of promise

rejection is a liar’s aphrodiasic

you were soft and tired

they are gnawing gnawing gnawing, contained chaos, exhuberent black shells, beetle nails

you become stark and ancient

bare your teeth to the gods

i cannot hold my head above the water when you gnaw through

the head turns, the clock sporadic with the truth

van goghs ear, hears the earth’s claws coiling, boiling

an old grin, dusted from the bowels of our closets

housing skeletons, bleached sheets

she was wearing a pink dress, blood flowers, the shadows of the branches on her brow

“ i heard them tearing”, the wolves

they sing in an old tongue

i cant hear them in your bed,

your walls are to busy talking,

behind eyelids, not quite soiled with dreams yet

they hollow out lullabies with their rotted claws

‘wake up, look behind you”

vividly..

2010-02-04T01:43:00.000-08:00

i could have sworn i was up all night jotting down everything that was going through my head when you...
everything that was moving around and situating itself in me
were the pages torn out by your hands or mine
his or hers, running out of ink but the thought of bloodletting is so perversely awakening to finish the story,
the only way out that i know without a fucking happy ending

come midnight

2010-01-30T19:23:00.000-08:00

and he crawled, crawled hot and hard, she rocked her hips and showed the whites of her eyes, he crawled right up under her skin and his stare grabbed her by the throat and broke her breath down into sighs

stop shaking, he promised, I will wind wildflowers into your hair and the gold spun valley will be our wedding bed.

your eyes could tear open a summer sky, the heavens would come falling into your arms.

you are my narcotic, i fell to my knees at the sound of your voice. we were never meant to find each other, but if you leave now, i will wander lost forever.

take note

2010-01-30T12:10:00.000-08:00

When I'm in his bed, you don't even exist.

take this world away from me.
you've tied up my hands so I cant feel my way out of this

i'll wait

2010-01-28T16:45:00.000-08:00

how much longer are you going to run from this?
i bet your feet are getting tired

say it.
my name, let it swell on your lips and roll down your throat
say it.

part 2

2010-01-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

feel me in the morning,
i am still real
my dreams poured out on your pillowcase
underneath all that flesh is a caged heart, pale and beautiful,
dissociative, but calm, waiting for you to ask me something, anything, my fingers shake
tap tap tap tap taptap the keys taptap
i want to drown in you

oh yes

2010-01-25T15:52:00.000-08:00

goddam boy, you put a spell on me.

4 am

2010-01-19T00:09:00.000-08:00

take me home

2010-01-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

if you cant stop shaking,

ill take twice as much as you did.

if you cant stop drowning,

i'll swallow the whole sea

the circulatory system's down.

try breathing now.

joy

2010-01-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

" After all this time"
"Always"

fate wears a twisted grin.

waiting

2010-01-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

i let my mind wander and it runs to you

strong hands, a steady heartbeat is all i need to keep me sane until summer, then you can pretend that you dont exsist to me, i just need your warmth to pretend that its summer until the cold crawls away back into the ground and releases the warm toxins and perfume of summer breezes

i just need to pretend until summer

i let my mind wander and it runs to you.

oh hello

2010-01-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

you haunt me in every way.
i wonder what your sign is.
then again, knowing will probably break my heart.

staying alive

2010-01-03T18:10:00.001-08:00

the streets are all so symmetrical here
its back to school
your offering trees rotting in the gutters
the streets are perfectly symmetrical here
prescriptions need to be refilled

this new decade

2010-01-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

today is a palindrome

i had a dream about the car crash i was in last night
in my head i romanticize the noisy matrimony of glittering glass and incandescent smoke.

for you,

a black top abstract piece to emulate the meeting between your revelation and the consequence of your addiction

sirens and bone, drunken steel and an immortal radio.

I've got a an unhealthy crush on the ambulance that carries you home

when i saw you again after months of absence
my heart couldnt have started beating any faster when you caught my attention

oh sylvia

2009-12-30T00:45:00.000-08:00

today i will fall asleep and drift into a warm purgatory among the babys breath and poppy
my words are oblivious to mortality
each second warms me and settles my thoughts
slowly crawling back into a damp reality, but no fear holds blanket up to my eyes
i heard the hiss of the gentle assassin, it's blinded metallic tongue licking at my conscious thoughts, the rising pressure conforms a smile to my lips,
i am a godless woman, but i pray aimlessly for no more pain.

my words will always carry my blood like strong veins directly to your heart
after I have stopped breathing
you will always have a piece of me
i have thrown a wrench of heartache into the workings of my own machine, it softens my bones, and i suffocate happily in the invisible stream.

push

2009-12-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

and if your going to write a song about me, make sure you get all the references right,
make sure the pitch and tone of your voice emulate just enough pain, to make every girl that hears it simply want to die
when you get her in your bed
touch her and ask her how she's doing
they always have the same answers, i always knew what you wanted right from the look in your eyes

i need a glass of water and another round of vicodin
forget about the diet, and all your dead best friends

babe, a deeper breath than that

2009-12-26T06:52:00.000-08:00

without being overtly obvious, your hands remind me of him

the whole time it was so so easy
it only hurt when I told him you were better.

your summer kiss haunts me all winter

2009-12-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

as the motel ceiling came back into focus, you asked what it feels like

i mouthed the reply

" it feels like taking a fucking bullet"

you laughed, but I wasn't finished

"right between the eyes"

get the fuck out of my head.

resin and ashes

2009-12-25T02:30:00.000-08:00

here is some required thinking

nothing hurt,
you were calm and collected
my fingers were bent back
and you were inhaling the smoke and laughing

you

2009-12-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

he half choked, " I want you to show me what hell really looks like"
i stepped back and half screamed " Then look me in the fucking eyes"

do you remember the summer when...

2009-12-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

a girl always needs a fallback.

give me big black open spaces, between mountains, oh your rivers are raging in my veins, your roots grow deep inside me.

the birdcage

2009-12-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

i wanted you to write the last chapter,

it would mean the world to me,

the blood in my veins,

heats accordingly.

it seems as though i am having his dreams.

these are a few of my favorite things

french cigarettes
rose water baths in antique claw foot tubs
living is easy with your eyes closed
marzipan and pink cream horses
doc martens with sundresses
greek food
heroin chic
anarchist poets
hopeless romance and drug addicted writers
the eiffel tower at midnight
falling apart leather journals
old typewriters
french markets in the fall
central park in the winter
trails that lead to weathered cabins

tourniquet

2009-12-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

medicated by your lips, i slip into what seems to be a sleepless haze for nights after I get another taste of you

i try i try i try i try

im a half a (w)hole

i want you/i want you/i want your heartbeat buried in the sound of my sighs

revelation

2009-12-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

the way your voice curdles in my ears like warm milk when you say " us"
oh, it breaks me down like a child.

"Young Jesus goes to school carrying his cross upon his shoulder. When he learns his lessons well he is given candy. A sweet apple to put in his mouth, a bouquet of flowers to put in his little heart.
Youll see. Youll go and see them, youll talk to them. Theyll listen to you and theyll follow you."

your chap stick sticks my white cotton dress to my thighs
i told you to wait till after class
your hair smelling like orchards and your lips tasting like strawberry fields on fire

the fall

2009-11-16T02:41:00.001-08:00

you are always taking deep breaths but never letting them back out again, I am half flattered to say that you may be on to something here.

1. i have nothing but amazing things to say about you
2.
3. you laugh...
4.
5.
6. and everything is going to the beat.

this week..
razorlines and rose petals
rust and cigarette burns on blue jeans
marzipan and champagne
planning out a trip to paris by the fire and home made chocolate chip cookies

and i dont want to live this life if i cant live for you

2009-11-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

"Please bury me next to my baby. Please bury me with my leather jacket, my jeans and my biker boots. Goodbye. With love, Sid."

longer still

2009-11-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

I yearn for the sinew and the lace, that composes your delicate frame.
the love letters get shorter as the winter grows colder.

fingertips that ache to touch the edge of your bed with such a sudden perversion to be cheek to cheek with you, wounded breathing, your laugh, muted by a milligram, the tilt of your head, awkward, I allow your forehead to fall forward, caught by my chest.

and you dont know me by just drowning in my eyes. you need to really fucking lose yourself and crawl under the skin.

times square is burning. and the scene is euphoric, i lose myself in these bass lines and bottles of alcohol , we were never meant to touch, i was never meant to make it out of your bed alive.

concerning winter

2009-11-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

1. I have a collection of hospital bracelets
2. you asked me If I dream about lavender fields in the winter
3. in this town, the boys of summer never go away
4. i never will forget those nights, i wonder if they were a dream
5. i miss the way the sunlight framed your face, come nightfall you were but a shadow of a man
6. i starved myself for two days
7. these dreams are becoming more vivid as winter approaches
8. i want to visit the museum of modern art before the first snowfall with someone who makes me feel beautiful
9. i want to believe in something again
10. my heart skips a beat when I think about how beautiful your snow angel must be, I hope our lips will meet under a frozen sky in december

skin against snow i crawled following the rabbit to her hollow, beneath the roots and insulation of earth.

the wanting ache wakes me again

2009-11-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

their are snakes in the lavender fields, nursing off the shade
i became the girl becoming a black hole in the corner as everything about you consumes her.
i just wanted to feel the miles under my fingertips, the miles of lavender under my hands

ive been dreaming of you and I
standing at the top of the eiffel tower
mid winter, the lights of the blanketed city are blurred out like expired film

you are just brilliantly illuminated
it gets harder and harder to keep my hands off of you, and my heartbeat steady and slow at these heights

2009-11-10T15:43:00.000-08:00

i blush as your pen hits the paper and you sigh
dressed me up in her clothes and sent me off into the golden mauve and sparkling wet rain of a morning
the whole town was waking up in the beds of other strangers
but you were no stranger
you were my savior.

the calming effect of his forehead against the small of my back, with pushed up stilettos held up by strong shoulders, this night is something to compare to the resurrection of christ.

this is the nightmare, that takes my breath away

we are awaiting symptoms

2009-10-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

So blush at being mine, yet gently come
And place a dainty hand within my hold
Too delicate to crush it into warmth,
Save that blood mantling to thy cheek shall flow
Back to the fingers, though I press them not.
- Aleister Crowley, " White Stains"

i imagined myself in his bed, underneath him, everything but our bodies were still. everything was sweat and shadows on the wall. the cool sheets were soaked with whiskey and dreams.
you radiated walking through those hospital doors.

2009-10-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

A) you are like a headwound. When I lay down with you and close my eyes, I don't know if I will ever wake up.
B) if we are in this together, why do you keep abandoning the thought of something beautiful happening between us. You folded the sheets you inspired me on and put them in the linen closet, only to be confronted by your own skeletons.
C)when you open your eyes in the morning, you'll find me still sleeping, in your arms, against your chest and the blood all dried up

2009-10-27T23:26:00.001-07:00

" on paper we are ideal, but life isnt written out on paper"

let me see what Ive got for that headache

2009-10-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

seeking : the fullness of you mouth, and the hot milk you pour for me each night and leave on the bedside table before you fuck me

the deep birth groaning of the mare left me with an ulcer the size of a black hole, and my pale pink cheeks turned to cracked porcelain

i hear the wolves clawing at my bedroom door, and i have the most unbearable desire to let them in and cool my burning lust with their dead meat tongues

in the november garden, my heart stopped beating, and with my last cold breath, i imagined i was smoking strawberry cigarettes

A)i will walk among peach orchards and wear vintage lace dresses if we make it through the winter

B) zabars is an a amazing place to buy your groceries / www.zabars.com

C) i have an intense sexual attraction for Patrick Bateman, the main character from the novel and movie, American Psycho

D) i will never find someone to finish my sentences for me

E) your are my drug, get in my veins

F) i only wear stockings with holes in them

G) i dont want you to bring me flowers

H) lentil soup for dinner last night

I) i scratched up his headboard, and left my perfume scent and lipstick all over his sheets

J) he told me i made him feel young again

K) my hands started to shake when you told me you read my diary and that you were completely infatuated with my mind

sun drunk, scabbed knees, rusted candy paint cadillacs

2009-10-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

" To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. "
Friedrich Nietzsche

" There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. "
Friedrich Nietzsche

we have been wilted down to nothing but fading goodbyes in and out of cars running from the colors of the sunrise. If we are lucky, you'll exchange phone numbers and talk shit about the people you used to fuck in highschool. You'll remember the awkward taste of the sweating milk cartons in the cafeteria, the hours you spent in those bathrooms carving and etching, starving for the chance to make your mark, with even just the slightest hope that years from now, someone will go from having their head between their knees, tears swollen and threatening to spill from the waterline, and look up and see your work of pencil carved art, and smile, " FUCK YOU PORT RICHMOND HIGHSCHOOL, SUCK A DICK" with two little hearts.

those summers were endless. The cracks in the sidewalk held this promise to scab our knees at some point and we were okay with that, we had our lovers. They were always older than us, ready to take us to their bedrooms, and we just wanted to run in the waves.

those pictures that hold my image in, i am stark and naked in the pixilated consequences. my eyes are searching for yours on the screen, but your looking down, or your looking past, perhaps there is no difference ,your just a fucking shell of a man.

The best author will be the one who is ashamed to become a writer.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Artists are, above all, men who want to become inhuman.
Guillaume Apollinaire

i'll stick with you baby for a thousand years ,nothing gonna touch you in those golden years